To Apologize from the Heart
Sant Ajaib Singh Ji
This Satsang was given March 18, 1996, at the S.K.A. Retreat, near Sampla, India.
Salutations unto the Feet of Supreme Fathers Lords Almighty Sawan and Kirpal, Who have given us the opportunities to sing Their praises.
The dear ones were singing the bhajan which said, "O Ajaib, apologize to Master Kirpal." To apologize is the most difficult thing of all, because when our tongue is asking for forgiveness, our heart does not ask for forgiveness. If we were to apologize from our heart, we would remove the karmas of ages and ages which are bothering us. But it is very difficult to ask for forgiveness.
The reality is that the mission of the Masters coming into this world is only to prepare the soul for the time when he has to apologize to God Almighty. When the Masters take the soul to God Almighty and make him stand in front of God Almighty, They say, "O Lord, he is Your forgetful child, he is Your forgetful soul, and now he has come to ask for Your forgiveness."
Supreme Father Lord Almighty Kirpal used to say that to ask for forgiveness is that once you apologize, after that you do not do that thing again. When you ask for forgiveness, when you apologize to the Master, it is like you have drawn a line, and then you don't cross over that line. But if you are not doing that, if you are apologizing for a mistake you have done one day, and on the second day once again you go and do the same thing, it is not apologizing; it is like you are playing a joke or making a mockery of the Master.
Supreme Father Lord Almighty Kirpal used to say that God is capable of doing everything; He is the owner of everything and He likes humility. Since He is the owner of all the creation, in front of whom should He express His humility? But when we go to Him with humility, He likes it.
A hymn of Swami Ji Maharaj is presented to you; it is full of humility. When Almighty Lord Sawan became sick towards the end of His life, this is that particular bhajan which He used to have Master Kirpal Singh sing for Him. Almighty Lord Sawan was sick only because of His body, and He was suffering that sickness only on account of the karmas of us people. Saints are free from the karmas; They do not come into this world to pay off the karmas; They take on the karmas of Their disciples.
Dear Ones, even now many dear ones bear witness of how Beloved Sawan and Kirpal take care of them. Even now, many dear ones, when they get the Initiation, are able to see Beloved Lords Sawan and Kirpal. You know that even though They were great and [had merged with] God Almighty, still how in front of Their Master They said, "O Lord, we are full of faults. You kindly shower Your grace and forgive us for our faults."
Usually what do we do? We do not see our own sins and, since we do not see our own sins, we do not want to believe that we are sinning, and when we don't believe that we have done sins or we are doing sins, we don't want to give up those sins. But very easily we go on looking at other people's faults and sins, and we even talk about their sins and faults with other people. So Saints lovingly tell us that if you want to look at faults, you should look at the faults of your own self, you should look at the sins which you yourself do, and always look at the good qualities of others, and try to adopt those good qualities in yourself.
Swami Ji Maharaj said, "Looking at the other people's faults, you become very happy, and you laugh; but never have you seen your own faults which do not have any beginning or end, which are limitless."
Guru Sahib says that one should understand himself as the worst of all, and he should understand the whole world as the best.
Kabir Sahib says, "I am the worst of all." He says, "Except me, everyone else is the best, everyone else is better than me, and whoever has such an attitude is my friend."
Dear Ones, all the Saints were the Form of God; They were with God Almighty. They were free of all the sins and the faults, but just to make us, the forgetful souls of this world, understand They have called Themselves as the ones who have sinned or who make the mistakes. They lovingly tell us, "Love everyone, don't look at anybody else's faults, look at your own faults."
So in this hymn Swami Ji Maharaj is lovingly saying, "O my Beloved Master, I am full of faults; You are merciful, and I have come in Your refuge; You shower Your grace, and You forgive me for all my faults."O Master, I am a grave sinner.
My friendship is with lust, anger, cleverness, and deceit.
The disciple is telling his Master, pointing out every single fault, every single bad deed he has, he says, "O Lord, I am the unchaste one; what to talk about having patience or being content with my own wife, I am not content even after indulging with other women. I am very deceitful, I deceive other people, and my friendship is with the lust and deception and the other bad qualities."
I am wearing greed, attachment, egoism, jealousy and praise.
Now he says, "I am the greedy one, and I have so much jealousy in me. I have so much jealousy in me that I cannot [bear to] see somebody else's progress. I always crave for name and fame; wherever I go, I always want that I should be given fame, that I should be respected."
I am deceitful, indulgent, a liar, violent.
Such sins I have done.
Now he says, "I am very shrewd, I am very deceitful, I am very greedy. Wherever I go, I always want people to give me honor. I am the indulgent one, and I am suffering with so many sicknesses. I have so many incurable diseases."
Dear Ones, after God Almighty comes the number of the human being. And if all these bad qualities which Swami Ji Maharaj has listed _ if the human beings were to remove all these faults using the broom of the Simran, then what is difficult to realize God, because God Almighty is within us. But when do we realize that we have all these faults? And when do we try to remove them from our within? We realize all these faults in us only when we become the true devotee of the Master, and then we pray to the Master to help us remove all these faults from our within.
Until we become the true devotee of the Master, we don't want to believe that we have all these faults in us, and we even pretend to be a great Mahatma; we try to cover up all the sins, all the faults, which are listed here by Swami Ji Maharaj.
I cannot bear the pain and insults.
I am full of the desires for happiness and respect.
Now he lovingly says that when we get even a little bit of pain, how much hue and cry we raise! Look at the condition of the animals who are being slaughtered day and night.
"O Master, I cannot bear when people defame me. When any pain or discomfort comes to me I cannot stand it, even though I know that it is because of my own karmas, but still, instead of believing that, I start finding fault in You."
I will tell you a very amusing story. This is about a farmer who used to live in the village where I used to live. When his end-time came he started complaining, even though he was not able to see the Angel of Death, but still he was saying, "Why have you come to take me? Go to that other farmer. He is poor and he doesn't have anything, and look here, I have so many things: I have big houses and land and like that. Why have you come here to take me, why don't you take that other farmer who doesn't have anything?" So you see that we don't even want to face death; we even ask the Angel of Death to go to somebody else and not come to us.
I crave for the taste of delicacies,
My mind always wants such foods.
Delicacies are the good food or the good dishes. He says, "I have this thing in me also: I like to eat good food. I like to go for the delicacies, and when I eat them I want to eat even more."
In my life I have seen many people who are always desirous of eating the tasty foods. Those people will go on eating the good, delicious foods, and they also go on criticizing the food. They even break the dishes, and say, "What have you cooked?" The meaning of this verse is that those who are so much indulgent of the taste of their tongue, how will such people be able to do the meditation? So that is why here the disciple is telling his Master, "I have this fault in me, this bad quality in me, that I am always looking for the good food."
I have made wealth and women dwell in my heart;
I am full of expectations from wife and children.
Now he is praying to his Master; he says, "O Guru Dev, O my Beloved Master, all my life I understood that my wife was my very own, my children were my very own, and all my life I went through so much discomfort, I did so many deceptions, to earn the wealth for them."
Dear Ones, now there is not much difference left between the customs in India and the West, but even now such customs exist in India which existed at the time when this bani was written. The women would remain at home and take care of the household things, and the men were supposed to go out and earn money. His family didn't care how the man earned the money, but he was supposed to bring the money for his wife and family.
This sinner gets different kinds of pains;
Still he does not give up this act.
Now he says, "I neither got any comfort and happiness from the women, nor did I get any comfort and happiness from the sons and the children. I only got the taunts and discomfort from them, but still my mind does not want to believe that, and it goes back to them again and again."
Dear Ones, this last time when I went to Colombia, one dear one came and told me that he has twenty-four children, but no one loves him. They all give him a hard time and slap him. So I told him, "Dear one, what remedy can I give you for this?" A similar painful story was told to me by a dear one who came to see me at Shamaz Retreat. He told me that he had twelve children, but no one loved him.
This mind is the disciple of wicked Kal;
Everyday he deludes me and has become fearless.
Now the disciple is telling his Master, "O Master, only once in my life will I have to face that great Negative Power who will come at the time of death, but now this agent of the Negative Power, the mind, is always deluding me, he is always making me fall into the illusions. By sinning again and again he has become fearless, and he does not want to stop sinning."
As and when I got the beating of the sufferings;
Then, being afraid of the sufferings, I do the meditation.
Now the disciple prays to the Master; he says, "Whenever I got some sickness or whenever I had any painful moment then, being afraid of death, I did a little bit of meditation."
Kabir Sahib said, "Everyone does the Simran in the pain, no one does the Simran when they are happy. If they would do the Simran while they are happy, why would they have any pain?"
If you have not done the Simran while you were happy _ if you have remembered Him, and have done the Simran [only] when you were in pain _ who will listen to the prayer of such a disciple who only calls for the Master when he is in pain?
See the grace and mercy of the Satguru;
He accepted that meditation.
Now He lovingly says that Satguru is the Gracious One; He is the Form of Grace. And when someone does even a little bit of meditation, being afraid of the sickness or the painful moments, the Satguru accepts even that meditation. He says, "Well, it's okay, at least he has done some meditation now," and He accepts that.
With the cleverness of the intellect, I compose my words;
I take up the debate of winning and losing.
Now He lovingly says, "My intellect is very sharp, it's very clever." You know how when two lecturers get together, they find faults in each other, they debate with each other. You know how the Hindus find faults in the Muslims, and the Muslims find fault with the Christians, or when the people of two different communities get together, a war of the words begins.
Even though we all are the children of the same Father, we all are created from the same Light, but if we come to realize that we have the same Father and we are created from the same Light, will we fight with each other?
Kabir Sahib says, "The entire creation has been created from one Light; who is good, who is bad?"
Guru Arjan Dev Ji Maharaj says, "We have one Father and we all are His children."
I boast a lot and have no love within;
Thus I deceive the innocent God.
Now He says, "O my Beloved Master, I have one more fault in me: I exaggerate too much. I have a very big mouth. I tell people that I am a very great Mahatma, or that I am capable of making them meet with God Almighty. I always have this desire that people should listen to me and they should follow me."
Guru Sahib says that a killer of a soul or a deceiver of a soul is a grave sinner. If someone is not capable of taking the soul across, and if he is proud of himself and if he tells others that he can take the souls across, he is deceiving the souls, he is doing a very bad sin. Guru Sahib says that in reality, such a person is the real donkey; he does not have any quality in him, but still he is proud of it.
I have controlled many men and women;
I have indulged in name and fame.
Now He says, "I have this fault also in me: I make the innocent people follow me. When people praise me, when they take me out in a procession, I become very pleased."
My love for the Master is a deception, [based on] fear of Him;
Sometimes I did less, sometimes I did more.
Now the disciple tells the Master, "O Master, this is also another fault which I have: my love for the Master is deceptive. Sometimes I do the meditation or I go to the Satsang thinking that if I will not meditate and go to the Satsang the Master will get upset with me; so I love the Master, but only on the surface, and that is also very full of deception."
How long can I describe my bad qualities?
I don't remember, I have forgotten.
"O Guru Dev, how many faults can I go on mentioning and describing to You? I have forgotten many more faults in me than I have told You about."
I am a thief, a backbiter, I indulge in the pleasure of the organs of senses.
I consider only the talks [concerning my] selfish interests.
Now He says, "O Guru Dev, I have the habit of stealing; I have the habit of back-biting. I am full of faults. What can I tell you? Wherever I see my worldly interests being fulfilled, I go and sit only over there."
I am selfish, ruthless;
I have insulted many.
Now He says, "O Guru Dev, I myself am very selfish, I have insulted many people."
I have done millions of sins, there is no limit.
It doesn't have any beginning or end.
"There is no limit, there is no beginning or end of my sins, of my faults; I have committed millions of sins."
O Satguru, think about showering Your grace,
With which mouth can I call You?
He says, "I have not yet prepared that face with which I can pray to You and I can ask for Your forgiveness. But I have heard that the Masters are merciful to the poor ones, so with this hope that You would forgive me I have come to Your door."
I don't have any faith; I do not have even a little bit of love.
Liberate me with all your Force.
"O Guru Dev, I do not have any faith in You, I do not have any love for You in my within. How are You going to liberate me? Day and night I am worrying about this, that I do not have any good qualities in me, so how will You liberate me?"
In this world there is no one as bad as I am.
You are Satguru, You improve me.
Now he says, "In this world there is no one else as [much a] sinner as I am, but You are the Gracious One and You shower grace upon me."
When I make efforts it doesn't work;
I surrender and have taken refuge with You.
"O Guru Dev, I have made many efforts on my own behalf, [for] myself I have made many efforts, but none of my efforts has ever been successful. I have done the austerities, I have done the Yajnas, I have done so many other kinds of rites and rituals and practices, but I have not been successful by any of those in reaching You, but now finally I have come, I have taken refuge at Your feet, so kindly shower Your grace upon me, and improve me."
Even this thing I say with my lips;
It is difficult to say this with my mind.
Now He says, "When I say that I have come in Your refuge, I have said that just with my mouth; the mind does not agree to that, the mind does not believe in that, the mind is running somewhere else."
Guru Nanak Dev Ji Maharaj said, "What is the use of bowing down your head, if your heart is going somewhere else?"
To say that I have taken refuge is also a lie.
Now He says, "O Guru Dev, all that I say with my mouth is false, but still I say, 'O Beloved Master, I have come to Your refuge, please shower grace upon me.' "
You Yourself know Your Glory and importance,
Anyway liberate me.
"O Guru Dev, You alone know Your glory, I don't know anything about You. How can a blind person catch hold of the finger of the person who can see? Giving up all the supports, now finally I have sought refuge at Your feet, I have taken Your support. Please forgive me and liberate me."
I am a lowly one full of doubts;
I don't fall in love with Your Feet.
"I am the lowly one; I am the shrewd, deceitful one. My love with Your feet is not getting established, but still You shower Your grace upon me."
I am full of incurable diseases;
Who besides You can do the treatment?
"My diseases are incurable, and there is no doctor in this world for my diseases. You are the only one who can cure me of my diseases, so You shower Your grace upon me, and have mercy on me."
Dear Ones, the doctors can give you good health, but no doctor can cut or remove the pain of birth and death. He can neither remove the pain of birth and death for himself, nor can he cut and remove our pain of birth and death. If God Almighty Himself comes and stands within the person who is sick, only then will the medicine work. The medicine works only when God Almighty Himself helps the person who is suffering. When the end-time comes, even the doctor leaves, nodding his head, admitting that now there is no remedy left.
In the bhajan I sing to beloved Lord Kirpal, in front of Him I say, "O Lord Kirpal, we have the pain of birth and death; becoming the doctor, You remove that pain."
Whenever You wish You can remove them in a second;
The Mauj (Will) of grace and mercy is unique.
Now He says, "It is all Your will, it is all Your grace, which does not have any limit. If You wish, if it comes in Your will, You can liberate millions of sinners just in one glance. For You it is a matter of just one gracious glance, and for us it is the question of our life."
Again and again I request and pray to You.
"Again and again I am requesting at Your door, O Beloved Guru Dev, I am making this prayer to You, that You shower Your grace upon me, You have mercy on me, because without Your grace and mercy I cannot cross over."
I do not see anyone other than You;
You are the only Protector.
"O Guru Dev, I cannot see anyone else besides You, You are the only one Who can protect me, You are the only one Who can love me. You are my Protector at all places."
I am bad, I am bad, again I am worse and worse;
However I am, I have come to You.
"I am bad; I am worse than the worst. No matter how I am, but now I am called Your disciple; I have come to Your door. No matter if the son becomes very bad, but still the father accepts him. He embraces him; he does not turn him away from his home."
Now You have to protect my honor;
O Radha Soami, remove my calamity.
Now He says, "O Guru Dev, my prestige is in Your hands, my life is in Your hands, and now finally when I have come to You, my whole being, my whole life is in Your hands; kindly maintain Your reputation and save my prestige."
Dear Ones, in this hymn, you hear how Swami Ji Maharaj, becoming a disciple, has told us about the faults which we have. Even then we don't want to believe and we don't want to agree that we have all these faults. We should always look at the good qualities of others, and we should adopt those good qualities in ourselves. We should always pray to our Beloved Master, "O Beloved Master, You are the Ocean of Grace, and now, when I have come to Your feet, when I have come to Your refuge, You should forgive me for my faults, and You should liberate me."