A Trip to His Holy Hospital

a talk given upon returning from India, December 31, 1995


I want to thank Master for letting me go to His Holy Feet again and for letting me share some of my trip with you.

The long, longer than ever, deep, soul-searching, soul-to-soul darshans of the first several days; He'd find my eyes and hold them in His for long, long, deep drinks at these pools of nectar. Thanks is inadequate; He was pouring the needed medicine of strength and love into me with those looks so I could do the work. Actually He was doing the work, all of it, my body just went through the motions of very painful sittings and very pleasurable darshans.

I want to read something I wrote there:

December 14th.

The Infinite One, the Limitless One, the All-Giving, All-Knowing True Friend of the heart, full of grace and mercy and love.
He takes the souls across Kal's oceans.
So vast are the waves of the mind in this ocean of Kal and Maya, full of many-headed sea serpents and horrible creatures ready to eat the souls alive by deception.
But then comes the Satguru, Who says, "Get in my ship and obey me; stay in my boat and I will take you across Kal's ocean to another sea, the ocean of bliss and Naam.
All you must do is stay with me, sit in my lap, hold onto my hand.
Stay in the boat, I'll give you everything you need.
Don't worry about anything. I am your True Friend in all the worlds.
I understand you better than you understand yourself."
A true Friend of the heart with whom no words are necessary, yet one experiences total complete understanding of one's heart, one's problems.

It was a very blessed trip for me. It was Excellent. No, better than excellent! I had been floundering in the world with all of its distractions and sins and Maya's delusions and in the midst of it all, my soul prayed that I could go to His Feet again. My heart was aching for something like Rajasthan. I tried to imagine the sound of that screen door of the meditation hall opening and closing at 16 PS, because it reminded me so well of the beautiful times there. And the sittings there with Him, twice a day. He could make me meditate and do Simran. Meditation is very hard for me, either it's full of sleep or thoughts, or I move because of pain or boredom, or I make various excuses to put off doing it altogether. He made me sit and do what needed to be done over there. I knew that my soul needed this again somewhere deep inside me.

S.K.A. is a combination of Rajasthan and Sawan Ashram to me. We were so very, very comfortable in a huge room shared by another couple and us. It had a balcony with a view of Master's house and a lovely private bath with a western toilet and a tub. Everything was sparkling clean and brand new from the tiles on the walls to the bedspreads. It was so quiet and so peaceful and relaxing and reassuring to be in His physical presence again.

I felt very happy there, like I was in a kind of paradise somewhere between the physical and astral plane, an other-worldly place. It was like a very holy hospital. The Doctor would administer to me everyday, giving me medicines and prescribing exercises to do in order to get well. Now, back here, I need to keep taking the medicine and doing the exercises to stay well. He made me do the program and took care of my self-indulgent habits. He made sure I did not oversleep or overeat.

The two times that I tried to eat more than the necessary amount of food, I got diarrhea and horrible stomach cramps. The day that Sant Ji was to come, my plan was to get over to His house, and sit right up in the front for the 11:00 to 1:00 sitting and then sit there, during lunch if I had to, to have that spot for the welcome talk. Well, He took the wind right out of my sails.

At 12:30, I began to feel nauseous and began having these intense stomach cramps. That was the morning I had had three chappattis, and more chai for breakfast. I had to leave that sitting and go and lie down. I began to cry: my body and my soul were crying, because I was afraid I would be sick and not be able to go to the meditations and Satsangs. And it was all my fault, because I had failed so miserably to obey Him better. It was a painful two hours, but then I realized that this more humble attitude of complete helplessness in front of the Doctor was a more appropriate one than the arrogant, proud mindset of plopping myself down right in the front to see Him. So I dragged myself back to His house at 2:45 and sat way in the back on a chair and just prayed that I would not be forced to leave because of diarrhea. This was quite a humbling feeling.

Then He came and I saw Him, in the car, and for a few moments before He asked us to go inside. It was so wonderful. Wonderful Ajaib. That first darshan of His eyes is such a feast for a famished soul. How easy it is to forget _ even now, as I write this, it is so hard to recapture His eyes and His beauty. That is very saddening.

The next morning, again I just prayed that I could sit and not have the embarrassment of diarrhea. It was okay; and He made me very careful about how much to eat after that. I didn't have chai again during the trip and didn't eat dinner. I would bring the cookies to the room to put in a container to take home, so I was consuming less sugar than ever before. I think this really helped me not to oversleep. But, you see, I did not want to risk becoming sick again, so He made me eat only what was needed.

I realized that at home I eat so much, so much sugar and caffeine, to fill that void of spiritual depression, and anxiety which sets in when I stop trying my best to obey His instructions. Doctors have prescribed various kinds of medications for me for depression and anxiety, but it was crystal clear with Him what I need to get well, and that is: to obey what He has told me so often in the past.

So each day got better and better, and I began to feel healthy _ healthier than for many years, maybe since my first trip to see Sant Ji in 1977. He took care of me; He made me do the Simran that I did. I think that this was a key thing _ just trying to do as much Simran as possible. He had once told me to do the Simran of Master Kirpal with each and every breath. So I prayed that He would help me to do this. He kept my mind from messing up my trip, for which I am eternally grateful to Him. He kept me awake and did not let me oversleep.

It was as though He made me go through a metamorphosis for those eight days, so that I could see what it feels like not to be so full of caffeine and sugar, and not overeat and oversleep. He made me meditate, and He let me do the Simran more constantly and consciously. This, in turn, kept my mind quiet. He gave me darshan and His love. That's why I felt as if I was in some other-worldly paradise for those eight days. He took complete care of me and made my mind leave me alone, so that I could experience peace of mind. Someone at work kiddingly said I was going to India to find the Truth and the Light. I said that I wanted to just get some peace of mind. So with His grace and His love, He gave me this peace of mind.

Before I went, my mind was questioning whether or not I should go: "since [you] basically make half-hearted attempts at meditation" and "do not really want to go" and all that garbage that the mind can bring up so well to keep us from the Master. So I wrote down excerpts from various letters of Sant Ji about this, and want to share some with you, especially if any of you are dealing with this mental oscillation.

December '87:

"When you have the opportunity to come to India, you should take advantage of it. Because you do not know how much you gain by spending ten days in the presence of a Saint. Whatever time you spend over here, whether it is spent in the meditation or doing other things, it is all counted in your devotion. It is possible that some words of the Master may penetrate into your heart and may change your life.
"You are already under a great influence of your mind; and if you will not take advantage of this opportunity to come to India, who knows how much more your mind will mislead you? So I hope it is clear that you should take advantage of the opportunity to come to India. It might be helpful. I am not imposing anything on you. I am just suggesting to you."

February '86:

"I will be very happy to see you next month, if you will come in His Will. I hope that you will benefit from this trip. The only way you can do that is if you will not obey your mind. I have sympathy for you."

December '85:

"Don't let your mind create so many confusions in your life. Do your Bhajan and Simran wholeheartedly, which will answer all your questions."

October '85:

"I am very surprised to hear all the dry thoughts you have written down in your letter. I would like to tell you one thing and that is, if you want to understand this Path of the Masters intellectually, you can never become successful in it, because this is not the Path of the intellect and the mind, it is the Path of love and devotion. Nobody is told that they must come to India. It is up to the dear one to decide whether he wants to come to India or not. You are free to make this decision. What I have learnt from my Master, is that a disciple should surrender to his Master completely and let Master take care of him. This has worked for me and that is why I always teach my disciples that they should leave everything in the Hands of Master and not worry for anything, because Master is worried for us more than we are for our own selves."

February '86:

"I have always told you that mind is our enemy and he never wastes any opportunity where he can delude us. Always keep a strong guard against it. Never listen to it. You should be proud of your Father and prepare yourself to become the owner of His wealth. Don't get involved with the servants and forget your Reality. Always remember that you belong to Sat Naam. Become as pure as Sat Naam. I will be very happy to see you next month if you will come in His Will. I hope that you will benefit from this trip. The only way you can do that is if you will not obey your mind. I have sympathy for you."

And finally, in March of '77:

"Do the Simran of Master Kirpal with each and every breath."

So, it was with these pieces of advice over almost 20 years that I left for this retreat. I prayed that He would make it possible for me to do the Simran and not obey my mind. And I prayed that I not waste a moment of that precious time with Him, and that He would make me do the work so I could feel like I was pleasing Him just a little. Which is ironic, because we think that we give Him our meditation, but really it is He who makes us meditate in the first place.

So the eight days were full of precious moments, of so many lessons, and darshan, and love, and Simran, that just seemed to happen all with His grace. One day He told us before meditation to do the Simran with every single cell in your body.

I would encourage all of you to not let the mind prevent you from going to His Feet because of any of the various tricks that the mind can come up with.

I want to share two things that happened with you. First: one day I hoped to be able to be singing a bhajan when Sant Ji came for our afternoon feast -- all of the times with Him were like feasts of love. The bhajan: Mere Kagaj Gunah Vala -- "Tear up the paper of the account of my sins; I don't ask for anything else" -- always seems to be the most fitting for me to sing to the Master. So I began to sing, and was using the bhajan book, so I didn't notice that He was walking in. I fumbled with my glasses so I could see Him better, as I was sitting in the back, and He allowed me to keep singing and it was so intoxicating and sweet. Afterward He said a few words that went right to my heart, and that I hope and pray become embedded in my brain forever.

He said: "Salutations to the Feet of Supreme Father God Almighty Sawan and Kirpal, Who have given us the gift of Their devotion and Who have blessed us with the opportunities to do Their devotion. Kabir has said that he who keeps the Master on his head and always remains obeying the commandments of the Master, such a disciple doesn't have any fear. He doesn't have to fear anyone in the three worlds, says Kabir. If we obey the Master lovingly and affectionately this is true that such a disciple cannot be bothered by any forces of the Negative Power up to the limit of Triloki or to the three worlds. Because if he obeys the commandments of his Master lovingly and affectionately, he will always have the company of the Master with him. The Master will always be with him and no forces of the Negative Power can come near him. Nobody can bother him. And this is true that when we rise above the body consciousness, and come to the Eye Center, manifest the Master within us, after that the Master always accompanies us like the shadow accompanies us. Not even for a moment are we left alone."

So the anxiety and turmoil of my soul was lifted through His loving sweetness and compassion.

The other incident is a bit embarrassing. It was the bhajan session where Sant Ji was calling people, some of whom did not have their hands raised to sing. I had practiced a new bhajan, and [my husband] Jeff and I practiced it a little, and I planned to sing it with Jeff. We were sitting very close, right behind Pappu, so all I would have needed to do was raise my finger, not even my arm or my hand, to be called on. My mind began to subtly say that if He wanted me to sing, He would call on me. I wanted Him to call out my name, as He had done with a few other people. And since I was sitting so close, I could see that the people whom He was calling did not have their hands raised. I guess I forgot to keep doing Simran. So literally, I became totally unable to raise even my little finger. My ego would not allow me to raise my hand. It was as if I was paralyzed. He was very jolly, and all I had to do, like I said, was hold up one finger, and I couldn't do it.

I was totally perplexed and confused after that session and I prayed that Master would make me understand what had just happened. Back in the room, I mentioned it to one of our roommates and they said that they had had that thought about wanting to be called on, but then decided to raise their hands. So what I learned about the power of the ego in that session was quite enlightening. As if lust and anger and the rest of the obvious faults are not enough, now I get punched smack in the face with ego. Something just kind of snapped in my ego I guess. I was totally unable to bring myself to raise my hand. I wanted Him to call my name. Well, that passed, and I prayed that it would not disturb my mind, and Master lifted it and helped me to understand the paralyzing power of the ego.

There's a short children's story called The Biggest Cake in the World. Mrs. Delicious is the cook and she bakes it with truckloads of sugar and flour. People stand on ladders to mix it and it is put into a gargantuan oven to bake. So if I could find a punchbowl that size, the size of a ball park, and pour in the most fragrant roses and all the love and joy and bliss and sweetness there is, then we could all jump in and swim in that bowl of bliss _ that's what this trip was like. One week of swimming in a heavenly scented pool of pure sweetness. It was a very happy time for my soul, and Sant Ji was very personable and jolly and He told us so many stories that we had never heard before.

He told us of a time when He was with Master Kirpal. Sant Ji was a young man and he was sitting in His lap, and he was so much intoxicated by Master that he started playing with His beard. He said that this was because he didn't have any cleverness, and he was like a forty-day-old child. He said that Sawan Singh was a farmer and would make His disciples work very hard. And Master Kirpal was an accountant and would ask why there was an extra penny or why there was a penny short in the accounts. He said Master Kirpal will ask for the accounts of our each and every breath: how many breaths we took in and how many breaths we let out remembering God.

He told a story about how Sukhpal and her sister were once playing hide-and-seek, and when it was time for the seeker to go look for her sister, she said she was going to the toilet. And He went on to make the analogy of how Master plays hide-and-seek with us and we go and enjoy the sense pleasures. He said it is easiest to find the hidden one if you listen to where the sound comes from when they say they are ready.

He has the incredible knack of blending humor into the most serious subjects. Another question had to do with prayers: He said we don't know what to pray for from the Master. One woman prayed for a baby, and a year later complained to the Master that the baby kept them up all night. So He said, "Not only do we ask for the baby, from the Master, but for the baby-sitter also." He said He would tell us one more incident about the prayers that people make because it would make us laugh, and He knows that we like it when He does that. So He told us of a woman who prayed that He should get married! He told us how He and Mastana Ji used to dance in front of Sawan, and how Sawan was so much of a gentleman and wore spotless clothes, and the fairies would be charmed by Him. He told how Master Kirpal told him to leave every single thing He owned, even His turban, and to go away from the place on the very first day Master Kirpal ever met Him. He said that it was a place like here [S.K.A.] with land and buildings, and He has known Pappu for a long time, and if He told Pappu to leave this place, He would be afraid that Pappu would have heart failure.

Tears came from His eyes as He commented on a bhajan that He wrote in 1984 after Indira Gandhi was killed and the riots broke out. They couldn't easily get a bus for the dear ones to go back to Delhi. He told how Gurmel's wife came with Sukhpal and put her in front of Him saying, "At least for her sake, don't go with the group." He explained that when someone wants to convince you to do something, they will often put a child in front of their request.

He was just wonderful. I hope that you all get a chance to go.